And thus, I admit my disorder

For almost 10 years I kept this to myself. My family was only informed last year about this sickness, but they knew the problem since the start. Thanks to the TV show Emergency, we found out that I wasn't alone in my plight, and there was indeed a name for this certain kind of psychological disorder.

I have TRICHOTILLOMANIA. Thankfully, though, I don't eat my hair like most who have the condition do.

I'll try to write something more in-depth about it on my blog soon --- maybe on the day I turn 21. Who knows?

Trichotillomania - “trich” - is a condition wherein people have a very strong urge to pull out their hair for whatever reason. It is said to be an impulse control disorder, however, some say that it is an obsessive-compulsive disorder. People suffering from trich may have noticeable bald spots in areas which they pull hair from. In my case, my scalp.

Because of the social implications of this disorder, some - if not most - trichsters have low self-esteem. Hair is often equated with beauty, so the condition can be emotionally painful for the trichsters. Either they shy away from the “normal crowd,” or cover up the fact that they’re “different.”

I've a blog, Trichster.net made especially for my thoughts about my condition, and my "road to recovery." The latest posts are set in private since they involve my family as a whole; I had to do it when I noticed that it's been getting hits from search engines. I'll try to come up with something that can be "consumed" by public, but whatever.

There really isn't much to do than take antidepressants (Oh, Prozac, why must you be so expensive?) and other medicines that might help. I also have to try not to stress myself too much, which is pretty hard because I'm naturally a very stressful person.

Thing is, my family's about to hit rock bottom because of my brother's more unusual condition. While the initial prognosis last year is mild mental retardation, most people disagree with the finding because of...basta, lots of things. He's not fit to go to school (again, because of so many reasons), so I have to be with him every time. Kaya lagi kami magkasama. =D Parehong siraulo. ^_^ We're looking into a good homestudy program, para kahit man lang elementary maka-graduate siya. Tapos he needs to undergo a series of tests that costs P10K per session. Fuck, noh? And it's just so damn hard because people look at my brother differently. He hears what others say, I hear what others say, and it takes a lot out of me not to scratch their faces and shit on them. Sabi nga ni nanay last week, when she asked me to send the request for partial refund sa former school ni Robby, "Wag mo nang dalin ang kapatid mo. Iba na tingin sa kanya 'run." In fact, when my mother told me about the decision to stop my brother from schooling again, naluluha kami pareho. Hahaha. Mahirap naman kahit sa kaninong ina na marinig ang masasakit ng salita ng ibang tao (and the irony is, mga hinayupak na ina rin ang mga lintek) sa anak niya, diba?

NOOOOO!!! I REFUSE TO CRY!!! GRRRRR!!!

*dabs eyes* Shit. I hate emotional scenes and memories. I'm such a crybaby. For the past few weeks, lagi na lang ganitong iyak ng iyak. Nakakapagod na.

Ang dami kong gustong ipagsigawan sa mundo. Daming problemang gustong ilabas, pero sa ngayon, amin-amin na lang muna siguro. My life couldn't be any worse, and it frustrates me so much that I want to just die or something. Depress-depress-an na naman ako rito. Haaay.

Ang daming gastos. Punyetang buhay ito. Sabi nga ni nanay kahapon, "Nagbubunot ka na naman."

But then, I can't help it if my life stinks like hell.