SWEET SADNESS: The Sands Chronicles

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Holding on to my sanity...barely

My shrink's gone off to Iloilo because apparently, she's having problems of her own. As it turns out, she's caught up in the middle of a nasty annulment case with her husband, and she needs to bid bye-bye for a week to her patients, which, needless to say, includes my brother and yours truly. I've been having problems with my raging hormones (not the sexual ones, thank goodness) for the past couple of days. That's why I've been treating myself to lots of books and other offline stuff, trying to stay out of trouble. That's why I stayed out of the online scene for a week: to take a much-needed breather and clear my mind of problems. Good thing it's effective. I'm not sure I can handle more emotional breakdown, but I'm trying to cope with the situation, goddammit.

I'm a bit mad at myself for being dependent on prescription drugs to make things well. With the way things are going, my family has got to shell out more than P5K/month for my meds alone. My brother's are - thankfully - cheaper. I've apologized to the 'rents numerous times. My dad insists that the money is nothing compared to the...[mental] betterment...of us two kids. Still, the guilt is eating me alive, but hey, I'm doing the best I can to battle this thing. If I can't pull myself back together, no one can. I'm my own keeper anyhow. And I've gotta fight.

Of course things aren't as easy as they seem. In addition to the very expensive Prozac and other meds I'm taking, I've suggested to the shrink that I enter a behavior modification program of sorts to maximize the result. Most probably the whole family's gonna have to undergo counseling in order for each of us to deal with everything that's been going on. Both Robby and I have stopped attending school, which, in effect, pushed me to quit offline and online work to take charge of his special homeschooling program. Good thing though, that the school allowed him to attend the Christmas party. It breaks my heart to see the brother evidently missing the simple task of attending his classes and seeing his teachers and classmates. We may not agree with the way things are being handled by the school admin (and I really really really am very annoyed with the stupid self-righteous bitch that's an excuse for a guidance counselor), but I understand their decision. Much as they want to help my brother, they've also got to take care of the rest of the students. As for me, I already told my parents that I don't intend to return to UP to pick up where I left off. I'd rather die and put an end to my lapsed Catholic status than go back there. Of course they're not happy, but they know better than to meddle with my decisions ever again, knowing that things always turn out for the worse whenever they do that.

I cried to my dad a few days ago. I know they're having a hard time, that they just want what's best for me, but geesh, my rebel nature's just not overjoyed with the schools they keep sending me to and all the things that have been going on. In fact, ever since the move to QC, then the transfer to QC Science for high school, I've been downright miserable. As my teary-eyed father puts it during one of our recent heart-to-heart talks (when I apologized for being such a disappointment in the family), I didn't grow up happily, and they know it damn well. Hurts to admit it, but ain't that the truth.

Skeletons in the closet now struggling to break free, I tell yah.

In the meantime, my damn cellphone's broken, and it adds fuel to my already cranky/crazy behavior. I have to use this Nokia thingy while my dear old Ericsson has to undergo major phone surgery --- hopefully before the holidays. I've given up on this Nokia (why do I keep spelling it N-o-k-i-e?) thingy and just call those I need to talk with if it's important. Not used to this thing, although I've used it before. I love my phone. Why, oh, why is technology such a pain in the you-know-where?

Anyway, the current pastime program, which started the day after my last intake of pills, looks like this:
8pm-1pm - Reading as many novels as I can manage while munching on as many junk food as I can find or cook
1pm- 7pm - Sleeping and snoring loudly
7pm-8pm - Spacing out or arguing with my brother over something petty or cursing/reminiscing about the ex-boyfriends and ex-flings and all my mistakes and wallowing in self-pity or beating myself emotionally, if I still have the energy to do it

Yeah, I'm slipping, I know. I've been raping Ranger in my mind since then too. I'm P5K poorer (which means I have no money left in my wallet and debit & ATM cards) after playing mallrat with my brother to keep us both occupied. Book-shopping is a draining task, so is PS2-games-hunting. Not to mention that I've developed this ridiculously classy taste in food, having dined in relatively expensive restaurants with the brother at his request (what can I say, I spoil him too much). Then I'm dancing with Shaun T to the tune of Hip Hop Abs, just for the heck of it. Sometimes I visit the la-la land whenever I feel like being numb. And dumb.

Ohlrayt. I'm talking TO myself again. Haaaay...Normalcy!!! Is there even such a thing?

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