SWEET SADNESS: The Sands Chronicles

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Cry Again

…but, as cliché as it may sound, I couldn’t help myself.

This week has just been such a stressful one. I may try to act like nothing’s wrong, but believe me when I say everything’s been fucked. Problems keep piling up, with no solutions in sight. I’ve never been an emotionally stable person. Bouts of depression happen most of the time, but I try to get by with the help of medication and a few “bitching” here and there. Maybe I’m just not ready to deal with yet another death just when I was trying to piece my life back together.

You know, Saturday was such an emotional day for my mother and I. We actually made quite an embarrassing scene in the foodcourt of a mall while waiting for Robby and Ate Susan to come back from an errand. We talked about the past, mainly, and how, in many ways, we both felt it affected the family. Her last comment just struck me blind because I knew she was right, and deep in my heart I’m grateful that that’s the case, yet I couldn’t help the feeling of resentment to grow in me. She admitted that she felt the same, but who could really blame her? She was the perfect mother anyone could ever ask for under the circumstances, and I could say the same for her unwavering patience…for not giving us up. While I, on the other hand, had allowed this hate to build up in my heart for almost 10 years until the only thing left was this facade of civility for his sake, my brother’s sake, and the sake of the people around us. I tried to be as impassive as I could be in front of the crowd, but sometimes I couldn’t put a leash to the emotions, and I just had break down to relieve myself of them.

There were times when I try to place the blame on someone else, but really, I could’ve handled the situation better if only I were a lot stronger. My mind was always full of what-if’s and could’ve-been’s, but the chance to wing it had come and gone, and I had to make do with present.

The emotions I try to hide in front of people, I show to my best friends — my pets. I love them; they serve as my support for every situation I get myself into. That’s why it was such a hard blow when Bullet died because she was the sweetest, most incredible support I’ve ever had. Suddenly things just didn’t matter anymore, and I was content on living life on auto-pilot.

And then there was this need to fill in a gap. I needed something else to care for other than my fucked up life, so bought a hamster. Gah had this way of relieving my stress by just being there and looking all cute. She was a silent companion at day, and an active one at night. I grew to love her despite the vow I made that I wouldn’t let another animal get close enough to induce pain to my thinly-veiled heart when it had to leave.

But I’ve never been a good keeper of promises that involve my feelings, that’s why I rarely even make them.

My mom woke me up today when she saw a weakening Gah, who was already in the state of dying. I looked at my friend — my daughter, actually, since we refer to our pets as our children — and had to try hard to keep my emotions in check. I excused myself to the bathroom, all the while slapping myself silly for allowing some tears to escape from my eyes. I thought, it wouldn’t do her good to leave the world with her surrogate mother all teary-eyed, right? Thought I’d save the tears for tonight, and try to make her as comfortable as any dying animal ought to be.

I bid a sad goodbye while stroking her fur, and my mom followed my lead. She wasn’t dead yet, but I told myself that talking with her before she did wouldn’t hurt one bit. She was, after all, the one with enough patience to listen to my rants without complaining (other than the occasional small bites and poos). What hurt the most was the fact that it was a repeat of the last time.

I was there watching as death took my buddy. There was, again, this feeling of being powerless to do anything. Y’know, like, “How can I put things back into perspective when I can’t even save my friend?” That kind of thing. The feeling of helplessness was consuming, and I could feel the brave front crumbling slowly. The only consolation was that Gah lived a happy hamster life, even if it was a relatively short one.

I love you, Gah. Be happy, wherever you are.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Lack of Involvement

Typing this entry with a loud background music, partying with other bloggers here at Mall of Asia. This is for the Philippine Issues Writing Project.

When Pampanga Governor Ed Panlilio launched his blog, I raised one question that has been bothering me for quite some time now. I made several blog entries in the past about my frustrations regarding it. Good governance? Democracy? Well, they're all good and dandy. But they mean nothing if the Filipinos don't participate and utilize the chances given to them to live a better life effectively.

I inquired Governor Panlilio of his plans or programs to make the youth be involved more in his projects. His passion was commendable, but if people kept ignoring his initiatives, all his work would amount to nothing in the end. I asked him how in the world could he possibly catch the youth's interest in good governance.

His answer was simple, yet oh-so-true. Aside from the fact that the Filipino youth have lost interest in anything political because of all the hullabaloo surrounding the Philippine government and all the people in it, they also have much things to worry about than some idiotic politician's corrupt ways. They have school problems to deal with, and their love lives to take special care of. (The adults, on the other hand, have family to feed, bills to pay, and their children's education to support.)

That's why the lack of involvement in the part of the Filipinos, children and adults alike, is no surprise to anyone, really. Even if the hardcore activists try their hardest to spread the word about how Gloria is this and Zubiri is that, they wouldn't be able to get through to most people's minds. Words just don't matter whenever one's future, betterment, of even life is at stake. They would rather just go on with their lives and try to survive the challenges hurdled their way.

One can choose to preach, and one can choose to reach (one can even do both). Whatever your choice will be, it still does one good to be more aware and be involved even in small ways. Even the simplest and most random acts of kindness can mean a lot, and even make a big difference. Even if you can't be involved in activities on the national level (e.g., you're not yet of legal age to vote), participating in small community projects can and will make someone else's (and even yours) life better. Even if other people accuse you of being an armchair activist or even a pseudo-progressive, just continue doing the things you do with all your heart.

We should break the monotony and the passivity that the Filipinos have cultured throughout these years. We should take action, however minor they seem to be.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Dear Naruto

I know I haven't watched you in quite a long while now. I've decided to quit the marathon and take it a few episodes at a time because, quite honestly, your story's getting to be a REAL DRAG. I love Nara Shikamaru, and will continue to love him, but the plot's progress is just, well, retarded. I have to sacrifice seeing my dear Shikamaru, but it couldn't be helped. I had to stop with season 4's end and entertain myself with other anime series.

One of the reasons is the unreasonable amount of time wasted on repeated flashbacks. Y'know, I think flashbacks are fine. In fact, I think flashbacks make sense. They support the current situation in which the character's in. But when it gets repeated too many a time, one longer than the former, it gets tiring. Irritating.

So while I've been abandoning you, I found another love in the form of a different anime series: Bleach. Funnier, truth be told. And I adore Renji and Nova too, the way I adore Shikamaru. It makes me laugh more, and, while there are so many damn characters in the series like you have, they're developed nicely. Heck, even the filler episodes are developed nicely. Not quite up to par with the original manga, but close enough. And the flashbacks are always minimal, if any. See? Cool. (So maybe there's this tidbit about seeing huge breasts and nice cleavege all the time, but that's just a perk)

Your roster of op-ed songs and soundtracks is still one of the best, of course. That won't change. Better than Bleach's (but numero uno still is the bunch of YYH songs I have). I still sing the songs I know in the bathroom, in fact. But...episodes. Plot. Ugh. Dragging. Really. Troublesome. Sorry.

PS: Don't worry, I still love you. And I WILL finish you someday. Maybe when I reach episode 109 of Bleach, which is only 5 episodes away. I've also taken the liberty to finish Ouran Koukou Host Club and Rurouni Kenshin before I got started with Bleach. And, maybe, if I grow tired of you again, I'd finish Fruits Basket in-between. Hope you don't mind. (What's the deal with Cartoon Network always re-starting Naruto anyways?)

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hamburdey, Brother

Another year has passed, but you're still the same old makulit boy that I helped raise for 12 years. My, my, my, how time passes by. It feels like just yesterday, I was cradling you on my lap, softly singing a lullaby that would lull you to sleep. I'd smile as you close your eyes, and watch over you as you dream of those sweet things that always managed to make you grin in slumber.

But in reality, you're a grown-up young man now, pushing to his teens, and your ate is so darn sad that she's making a dramatic post. ^_^

I can't carry you around with my anymore. You're going to have your own life, your own circle of friends, and then you both would suddenly feel yourselves slipping from the tight bond you formed since your birth. You'd have a girlfriend, or, heaven forbid, girlfriends. You're so old na. And now I feel older than I actually am.

But then again, I'm happy that you're learning things on your own, and facing your life bravely, the way you know how. Just keep on reaching out for your dreams. We, your family, will always support you and your endeavors.

It's another June 21st...kaya magtino ka na! :D

Love,
Ate Shari

(Greet him?)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Because they deserve some link love

And in a separate blog entry, at that. :)

Thanks to Bleue and Benj for taking time to help me with my brother's homework, and doing it all the way (all that because they love Geography? nice).

I couldn't have done it without them.

I can now...

*snores*

PS: Because I've such a sick sense of humor, humor me and --- if you're a Firefox user --- type about:robots on your browser. Funny, eh? No? Oh, well. I warned you about my sense of humor. ^_^ Meanwhile, I've been tweaking my Firefox installation, and I think I'm getting used to the *awesome* address bar now.

Uhm, help?

My brother has this incredibly annoying homework "about" Philippine Topography, and because he now has a PSP to keep him busy after school (so much that he hasn't turned on the desktop, and his addiction to this site called Mig33 has waned), he's not interested in doing it.

Enumerate one mountain (bundok), volcano (bulkan), river (ilog), lake (lawa), and bay/gulf (look) in each of the 17 regions of the Philippines.

(With all due respect to nature and everything that's in relation to it [including people], why can't 6th graders be given essay assignments to test if they really understand their lessons, instead of something as, uhm, trivial as this? It's not as if they'd be ask to memorize each and every mountain in the country...or would they be?)

(In any case, I still think enumeration is the worst kind of exam ever to "grace" my test papers. I've detested it since I figured out my memory's capacity is not enough to store more than 3 facts at a time.)

(I excelled in Algebra yet sucked greatly at Geometry because of those confusing formulas. I almost failed Chemistry [a dangerous and pitiful 85] and DID fail Physics [a whooping shameful 83] when I was in 3rd year high school just because of everything we were supposed to memorize. Damn, I hated high school.)

(I'm sure if the subjects were taught in a more critical manner, instead of the teachers just saying, "You have one week to memorize the Periodic Table of Elements," I'd have understood the topics more. It didn't help that my class' afternoon schedule went like Elective-Physics-Chemistry-Advanced Biology, which would've killed my brain cells if I didn't manage to sleep through most of my classes ^_^)

Anyway, enough bitching. Anything thrown off will be appreciated.

On politics and showbiz

Short and sweet.

Call me biased and judgmental, but I really am not comfortable with the idea of actors whoring themselves out on politics. And it's not even because of the reasons some detractors like to give, like "Ano ba'ng alam niya sa pulitika?" or "Ni hindi nga naka-graduate ng kolehiyo yan, eh," but more in the lines of, "Oh great, add another dose to the popularity contest factor." And, of course, the fact that most of the time, they're just being used by the higher-ups. Whether directly or indirectly, it doesn't matter.

Not saying that they don't have their own minds, their own opinions. But newbies tend to get taken advantage of one way or another.

Dingdong Dantes, being coerced to enter the world of politics?

*sigh*

And we get the same nightmare over and over again.

Although maybe, JUST MAYBE, if it were Angel Locsin to run, I'd consider supporting her.

(And that's where the bias comes into play.)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Boston Celtics new NBA Champ

It was an amusing watch, really. Especially during the final minutes of the game, when Kobe Bryant kept on shaking his head in disappointment (or maybe irritation?).

NBA 2008 Finals MVP Player is Paul Pierce (who looks so damn handsome, heh).

It was definitely not a close match, with Celtic's 39-point lead. I mean, seriously, 92-131? And in a finals?

Aww, and I used to be a Lakers fan too. Bwahahaha.

Download Day 2008: Firefox 3

Download Day commences, but it seems that the Mozilla servers can't keep up with the requests. The direct FTP connection link to the file insists there are too many online connection. Refreshing the Mozilla page either nothing, or still the same old Firefox 2 download link.

Got through, though.

What a way to start the Download Day.

No, actually, what a way to set the Guinness for the most downloaded software if the whole site crashes down on the users not even 5 minutes after the said software's release.

I still love Firefox though. A little bit more than I do Opera and Lynx. :p

Sunday, June 15, 2008

If you watch Yu Yu Hakusho and Bleach...

...this is a must-see.

Frigging hilarious. I laughed my fat ass off the moment I saw it. You'd have to have watched Assault on Trip at Sacred Ground (episode 10) of Bleach to appreciate this more. :D


Hiei looks so damn retarded.

This is an artwork by Me-Unlucky-Girl. There's also a Bleach captain version.

Room for Rent?

Know of any reasonably-priced (preferably downright cheap) one from around the Metro? I probably won't be able to find another room like the one I rented when I was in high school (P1,000 a month, inclusive of everything but the food...cheap, right? This one looks promising, for example), but it's free to hope for something similar to that, eh?

Planning to pack my bags and leave home again (a more viable option than the other one presented to me). One from Quezon City preferred. I don't mind sharing space with a "stranger," heh.

Oh, and I hate curfews.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM

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Okay, I feel a bit better now.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Bloggers' Kapihan: A Trip to Pampanga

(My first longish entry in months! Yay!)

The bloggers food tours I’ve attended can’t possibly measure up to the energy-sapping Bloggers’ Kapihan event yesterday at Pampanga. Even if walking around for a couple of hours, drooling over the most delicious (and expensive) dishes from different restos in the Metro, and actually tasting them for free appeal to my senses (but not to my poor heavyweight-supporting pair of feet), they’re almost child stuff compared to what we have gone through a day ago.

AmongEd.org Launching

My brother and I left home early to meet up with the rest of the participants in Philcoa. So scared was I to be left by the coaster that I forgot to cook something for my father before my bro and I bid our goodbyes (see, my dad doesn’t know how to do anything but scramble eggs). We made a quick stop at McDonald’s to buy something to break our fast, to go, and flew to the meeting place. It turned out we were quite early (insert grumpy grumble here), and Petron (yeah, yeah, the gas station) promptly repaid my punctuality by trapping my right foot in a hellhole (if you were there, you’d know what I mean). Joy. There were already Mong Palatino, Noemi Dado, Jhay Rocas, and Hannah Dormido, a former classmate (and political org-mate) of mine in UP who was there in behalf of Bulatlat. We all talked about lots of things while waiting for our only means of transportation.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best of moods. But then, I never claimed to be a morning person. Besides, while I was debating with myself on whether to call in sick for the day, I fell out of the sofa (where I sleep). And, with only less than an hour of sleep that time, it was virtually impossible for me not to look sullen.

The hour-long ride (in which I found out this one-sentence political-situationer: the mayor of San Fernando was Among Ed’s only supporter) went by without another hitch, and we arrived at the Pampanga Provincial Capitol a couple of minutes after 10am. My acquaintances and I entered a half-full conference hall, which put a big grin on my face; I never would’ve thought that the youth of Pampanga were interested enough to take part in the event.

In Which the Event Starts

Hannah, Robby, and I were seated at the front, across the spunky members of the community-based youth council: Jazz, Larnie, Ghie, Ives, and Paul being some of them. They served as my unofficial translators whenever there were some Kapampangan words I couldn’t understand (translate: all Kapampangan words).

The launching of Among Ed’s blog was kicked-off with a prayer, followed by a video presentation of the Philippine National Anthem. It was a notable video, that it was. In it, a child found a Philippine flag made of paper on the ground, looked up in the sky to see the top of the [flag]pole empty. He then climbed up the pole (and it was an amazing feat…I would’ve just fallen down if I were him), waved the flag a couple of times, and then put the flag in its rightful place (at the top of the pole, duh). Truth be told, I tried really hard to look natural even if I was averting my gaze away from the screen. My hormones were acting up and I was tearing up while watching the video. Bah!

Pampanga’s Music Video for tourism was presented next. It was long and mouth-watering. The happy-beat song, Mekeni Tuki Ka, was performed by ArtiSta. Rita (website is here, but it’s suspended as of this writing), one of Pampanga’s pride.

Blogging for Good Governance

The highlight of yesterday’s BK event was the launching of Pampanga Governor Ed Panlilio’s blog site, AmongEd.org. It was a breakthrough event to remember, well-attended mostly by the members of the youth council of Pampanga. Several questions were raised by the young’uns regarding local issues that involve the youth, and Among Ed answered those inquiries splendidly.

Among Ed read a three-page speech that was very interesting, to say the least. He started off with the ever so popular Global Village, as coined by the equally popular Marshall McLuhan (y’know, when I first “met” McLuhan in my Media Studies class back when I was a college freshman, I hated his guts). Some points in his talk were:

  • Technology, as what McLuhan predicted, has collapsed time and space barriers in communication, but in ways that even surpassed McLuhan’s expectations
  • The internet has become a means and venue for a healthy exchange of ideas, which good governance is all about
  • There’s a crisis of hope in the country, but we shouldn’t lose hope. If others have succumbed to this, we should align ourselves with people of hope instead of adding weight to the crisis

Angela Guevarra (a youth leader in Pampanga) and fellow BK crew Jhay added their own thoughts about good governance and responsible citizenship.

Angela told three stories which she related to the two topics, and concluded that at the end of the day, even if you were all beaten and battered with your job and advocacy, it’s between you and your god (in which I asked Hannah in a whispered hush, “Paano kung wala kang diyos?”). Also, responsible citizenship, she surmised, requires being corny. She added that even if there was only one person left on earth with hope, it would still make a huge difference.

Jhay, on the other hand, started his speech with a photo op with Among Ed. He said that good governance is a new thing in the country, what with Martial Law and sloppy past administrations, but with someone like Among Ed in the office, we’d get to see and experience the perks of it. Furthermore, he attacked Friendster and Multiply users (haha, joke lang :p).

Ma’am Noemi and Tonyo liveblogged the event.

Among Ed, Among Others

Among Ed proceeded to type his first entry, My First Year in Public Service. He likened his experience with a ship that didn’t stray off course despite the strong winds and big waves. He added, “To me good governance is leadership by example.” He said he wants to generate hope for the country.

And now I gladly add one name to this list of Kapampangan bloggers (and/or bloggers living in Pampanga) I know (in the order that I got to know/heard of them):

Bloggers’ Kainan, Part 1

Part one of the Bloggers’ Kainan commenced. We were to continue with a cultural tour of Pampanga that afternoon. We also took advantage of the free hour by photo op-ing and exchanging numbers/email addresses with newly-made friends.

Also, may I say that the food was absolutely fantastic?

I may?

Thanks!

The food was absolutely fantastic!

Reclaiming the Kapampangan Cultural Heritage

We boarded the coaster and went our merry way to Holy Angel University, which houses The Juan D. Nepomuceno Center for Kapampangan Studies. The center “hopes to contribute to the total development of the Kapampangan, the Filipino nation, and the world.” It was an educational stop, and I learned about the Kapampangan culture more than what the media and books usually make of it.

The most interesting things I learned were (1) the Augustinians, instead of teaching the Kapampangan natives their language, wrote their own grammar and vocabulary books to understand the language, (2) the Kapampangans were among the bravest and most patriotic (not to mention most radical and notorious) freedom-fighters in the Philippine history, and (3) the rivalry between Kapampangans and Tagalogs.

The Death Mask of Benigno Aquino, Jr. and Fernando Poe, Jr. are also on display in the center. They’ve been made by National Artist for Sculpture Napoleon Abueva. There’s the Kapampangan Timeline, which goes back to 5000BC and has three rows: world history, Kapampangan history, and Philippine history. There’s also the 100 Faces of Kapampangans, a mural that features 100 pictures of Kapampangans born each year of the 20th century.

On to Poracay!

The weather was unusually cooperative (sort of). It rained as we were about to leave the center, but then it stopped when we reached Bgy. Manibaug Pasig in Porac.

We rode a bus to the sand quarry site we were to visit, and it was helluva bumpy ride. I didn’t mind it one bit though, as I was used to such “inconveniences” here in Manila.

We were welcomed by a kagawad and were given the chance to ask questions. Apologies, though, because I spaced out the entire time and wasn’t able to catch something extremely significant (and so I have nothing to write, what pity). You’d have to ask the other intuitive bloggers I was with who relentlessly questioned the kagawad. All I found out was that it was 1994 when the barangay was washed out by the lahar. Plus, there wasn’t anything to see but the breathtaking shades of green and gray, and the trucks.

Quarry sites in Pampanga are among the province’s biggest earners in revenues. Manibaug Pasig is a consistent top grosser, and has received the biggest share in the distribution of quarry proceeds in two years (maybe more?).

Bloggers’ Kainan, Part 2

I was on full tank after consuming 2 servings of pansit. It was YUM!

Conversations about the now-expensive education in UP, the state university’s professors, the required bravery of Journalism students, and a lot of other topics were mulled over. Being in a table chock-full of UP alumni and students alike did that.

Sayonara, Byebye

And then it was time to head back to Manila. The ride was a long, almost painful one. Most people fell asleep, so I entertained myself by listening in on the amusing conversations behind my seat and playing some of my favorite songs on my PDA phone. I was thisclose to asking my dad for a ride back home because I just knew it would be such a pain to catch a ride that night (and waddaya know, I was right).

Lemme see…What were the songs played? Those from the Rosas ng Digma album, a couple of oldies that I very much love, plus a few revsongs. We said adieu when we set foot in TriNoma, and went our seperate ways.

It took my brother and me more than an hour to get home. Darn long taxi queues and arrogant taxi drivers. I was dead on my feet by the time I opened our gate, and, after uploading the pictures on my Multiply account and taking a shower (and whining like crazy when I caught Hercules on Disney Channel because I wanted to much to watch it but had no enough energy to even look at it), I shut my eyes and fell into a deep slumber.

Shoutouts

Congratulations to the Bloggers’ Kapihan group for another successful event: Mong, Ederic, Tonyo, and Bikoy. Kudos, thank you, and welcome to the Philippine blogosphere, Among Ed (and all the people involved in the event). Hello to the people I’ve met and seen yesterday.

Photos:

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Peyups.com is not "THE" UP Community

It's a gripe of mine, you see, whenever someone carelessly comments that "The UP Community" has a solid and unanimous opinion of someone, then link to a thread in Peyups.com.

Peyups.com does not represent the whole of UP. Pwede ba?! May mga registered nga 'run na never namang naging part ng "UP community" eh (wait, I think that's YOU!!!...but then, no offense meant). Mas maganda sana kung sabihin mo na lang na Peyups.com community (even if it's a bit awkward), pero even then, that's stretching the truth a LOT, dahil di naman lahat ng registered users ng Peyups.com ay sumasagot sa thread na yun.

Do you think all students, professors, and other members of the real UP community can afford to go online, or, at the very least, spare some time to go online and drop respond to forum topics?

Get real.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Launch of Pampanga Governor Among Ed Panlilio's Blog

Where: Executive House, Provincial Capitol, City of San Fernando, Pampanga
When: June 7, 2008, Saturday, 10:00am

Bloggers' Kapihan will participate and help in the launching of Pampanga Governor Among Ed Panlilio's blog this Saturday.

The blog will be a platform to promote good governance in the province. Among Ed will also report his accomplishments as governor of Pampanga.

Bloggers, journalists, students and other interested individuals and groups are encouraged to join the activity.

Free transportation and food will be provided to thirty (30) Manila-based bloggers. If you're interested in joining the trip to Pampanga, and for more details (iterenary, cultural tour options, and program), visit the Bloggers' Kapihan website.

On a completely different note, happy birthday mom! :D